I didn’t get a picture of my weight this morning because I was running late. And last week was my birthday week and I did not do a WLW post. I was down to 281.5 but this morning I was at 283.6. I am still very much struggling with not having any motivation to go to the gym, and I realize that I am not properly nourishing my body with food.
I have quickly become somewhat of a workaholic and every spare minute is spent on the blog (apart from family time). I am not taking time to sit and eat a proper meal or set time to take care of my body through movement. I have been very convicted about these things lately.
I am sharing this because I am not doing these posts to say ‘how I lost 100 lbs in 2 months’ or give you some quick fix. I am here to share that I know that every single day can be a battle sometimes. That addiction is real and hard and scary. And that I am fighting for so much more than a ‘goal weight’. I am fighting for freedom. For healing. For recovery. For health.
Last night I was talking with my husband and we were spending time in prayer. I recognized that I (once again) have put my diet or exercise plan as the source of healing or freedom. I once again have elevated myself above my Heavenly Father. He and He alone is the source of my freedom and healing. He is the one who can take the pain and the brokenness and replace it with joy. This can happen before I hit a certain pant size. It is available to me now. I don’t have to earn it.
I know that faith can be a touchy subject these days, but I cannot share my journey towards health without it. It is such a huge part of who I am and I was reminded last night that I am focusing on the wrong things. It is not BAD to eat healthy and to exercise, these are good things. BUT they are not the answer. I might be able to lose weight without God, but I need healing in my heart that only He can provide.
I was at my healthiest (most recently) when I was going through one of the most difficult and painful times of my life. And it isn’t because I stuck to a certain diet. It was because I prioritized my relationship with God. I hate that I slowly let that slip away. That I put my time and energy into other things. But what is so incredible to me is that He never stopped pursuing me. He never gave up on me and He never will. I sat in tears last night in awe that He loves me enough to wait for me.
It is okay to want to lose weight. I am working towards building discipline to make necessary changes for the sake of my health. I am not ashamed of that. I can still love myself while making changes. I am leaning into this season that God has for me. I have seen many times in my life that something beautiful comes from our brokenness. So I am settling into it, even though it can be painful. Even though it can be hard. I know that it is worth it. That I am worth it.
And so are YOU.